Panic Attack

A couple of days ago i had a panic attack because I had laid out my socks and set the alarm but then i forgot what to do. I couldn't figure out what to do all the sudden and i got confused and angry and i put my socks back in the drawer and turned of the alarm and cried for three hours.

Wake up and smell the Sudan, America

Although there is obviously a lot of "important" political news to cover with many developments happening in elections and primaries this week, I'd like to take an opporunity to talk about something that's actually important and that's the Sudan.

You know that every time there's an election, its really just to distract the American public from the bad things happening throughout the world like the Sudan. For instance, you don't really hear anybody talking about the Sudan now that there's an election. Bill Clinton will play his saxaphone and John Edwards will walk around looking like a sexed out maniac, and everybody will forget all about the Global State of Absolute Chaos.

And you know that the pundits are happy for the break from real reportage and they can talk about all the fluffy stuff like who's got a cat and who's daughter is fat and the economy. I'll tell you right now though, that things are going really bad in one part of Africa I like to call the Sudan. They can't get any food and its very scary. Everybody has guns and there's always horrible music playing and people who are more handsome get special priviledges. Tall people are better at sports. And the economy has never been worse and do you know why? Because the rest of the world is too busy holding elections and reading about them in all the magazines. Magazines which could be better used by people in the Sudan or other bad parts of the world where they might have designs on learning how to read.

And I'll tell you this right now, if you want another World War II, just keep going the way things are going, because right now Africa is destabilized, and then maybe all of Africa will get pissed off that nobody is paying attention and they'll band together and all chip in to get a nuclear missile and they'll shoot it in every direction, and don't you think that that will get things heated up?

You Know It!
EB

Barack Obama Pistol Whipped me

How's it going everybody?

The other day I had the fine fortune of being offered an exclusive (interview) with Barack Obama. The interview turned contentious after a very pointed question I posed about Taxes, and although the transcript of the interview is now sealed as part of my lawsuit going forward against Mr. Obama, I might offer a glimse into the 911 SMS conversation I had with a 911 dispatcher.

February 08, 2008
07:04:38
xxx-315-0018

"Hiya"



February 08, 2008
07:07:19
911 dispatch

"whatup?"



February 08, 2008
07:08:32
xxx-315-0018

"Barack Obama pistol whipped me."




February 08, 2008
07:15:52
911 dispatch

"hows that?"




February 08, 2008
07:16:39
xxx-315-0018

"Have you heard of the democratic candidate for president, Barack Obama?"





February 08, 2008
07:25:22
911 dispatch

"sure"




February 08, 2008
07:27:15
xxx-315-0018

"He hit me right in the face with a gun"





February 08, 2008
07:32:19
911 dispatch

"ok"





February 08, 2008
07:34:44
xxx-315-0018

"Which seems like some sort of assault to me"





February 08, 2008
07:48:12
911 dispatch

"yeah"





February 08, 2008
07:49:31
xxx-315-0018

"at any rate, do you want to take a statement"





February 08, 2008
08:07:17
911 dispatch

"what? yeah text it here"





February 08, 2008
08:10:55
xxx-315-0018

"o.k. i was interviewing Barack Obama aboard Dem Force 1. then Bow Wow came aboard for a meet and greet cause he's endorsing Obama. hold on i'm getting a call"





February 08, 2008
08:14:19
911 dispatch

"whatever"





February 08, 2008
08:19:43
xxx-315-0018

"sorry, that was my fifee."





February 08, 2008
08:19:57
xxx-315-0018

"oops, i mean wife"





February 08, 2008
08:20:37
911 dispatch

"what did she want?"





February 08, 2008
08:22:25
xxx-315-0018

"at any rate, Bow Wow must have said something that reallly peeved off Obama nad he opened fire. meanwhile, Master P. cowered under a desk like a little bitch."





February 08, 2008
08:29:07
911 dispatch

"wow"





February 08, 2008
08:32:11
xxx-315-0018

"yeah. i was able to calm Barack Obama down by saying a few calming words and a glass of warm water, but not before he pistol whupped me really really hard."





February 08, 2008
08:55:38
911 dispatch

"well, it certainly sounds like some crimes were committed, for sure"





February 08, 2008
08:59:02
xxx-315-0018

"oh, also, I forgot, RIP Bow Wow. 1997-2008"





February 08, 2008
09:20:19
911 dispatch

"idk"





February 08, 2008
09:22:35
xxx-315-0018

"well now you dk"





February 08, 2008
09:25:14
911 dispatch

"does that mean that there isn't going to be a sequel to Fast and the Furious: Toykeo Drift?"





February 08, 2008
09:37:45
xxx-315-0018

"wow, I didn't know Bow Wow was in that?"





February 08, 2008
09:45:07
911 dispatch

"yep"





February 08, 2008
09:46:38
xxx-315-0018

"yeah there's going to be a sequel, but its going to star Aaron Carter. its going to be called Fast and the Furious: Omaha Carsand trucks"





February 08, 2008
09:48:20
911 dispatch

"that sounds kind of stupid, but i'll probably see it."





February 08, 2008
09:50:23
xxx-315-0018

"you know your going to see it"





February 08, 2008
10:45:48
911 dispatch

"o.k., so is that it?"





February 08, 2008
10:48:02
xxx-315-0018

"yeah i guess"





February 08, 2008
10:50:27
911 dispatch

"is there anything else i can help you with?"





February 08, 2008
10:55:44
xxx-315-0018

"no, just the thing i just told you about"





February 08, 2008
11:07:15
911 dispatch

"thankss for texging SMS 911, have a good day"

Retraction

I retract it all. Whatever dude.

A big SCOOP, alert the alternative media

What the freak? What the fuck, John McCain drinks a shit ton of Mountain Dew. It is totally gross, what a fool. You'd think that at the point at which someone is poised to maybe become the leader of a first worl nation, they're tastes have matured a bit, and they become accustomed to the finer thinggs capitalism has to offer, but no, John McCain likes Mountain Dew and Bit'O'Honey and god knows what else, what a freak.

I WON'T VOTE!

Just kidding, I'm just not Going to vote. Do you get the difference? Seriously though, you might as well just vote for McDonald's, and while I'm note sure why that is, I'm definitely sure that it is.

Here's my graphic anatomical representation of a Voter

He's got a triangle for a head because he doesn't know any better.

He's a shower and not a grower. This is just based annecdotaly on a grower I know because he aint voting.

His eyes look strange because drawing small circles appears to be one of the limitations of Tux Paint.

He is fat and wears a blue shirt.

Potato chips crumbs, He's a SLOB!

Reading a book. What kind of book? IDK!!

Sitting in a chair, with a cushion. LAZY?!

Did I mention that he has his dick out in public? Can somebody say Ilegal?

Obama seems good, right?

PS

No new news on the broken blogger links. They still don't work and i'm not going to be able to fix them, ever.

EB

Holy Heck

I could go on all night telling you what the impact of the super bowl win will be on the international stocks, but Holy Heck, what am I forgetting? Oh, you know it, tomorrow is Super Tuesday, which is essentialy just the Superbowl of Politics just on Steroids. What I mean to say is that its huge, its basically the biggest day in Politics of the year.

Believe or not, this year the candidates are really heating up and you won't believe what they're saying about each other.

-Hillary Clinton "I've had enough of Obama!"

-Obama "Did you ever notice that Hillary Clinton is Ugly?"

-Cheney "Will you candidates just give it a rest already?"

-Moorman "No"

-Cheney "How's that?"

-Moorman "Why would I do what you say. Pretty soon you won't even be VEEP anymore, and I might be President."

-Cheney "You're RIGHT!"

So you already see how this might effect the stock market, right? lan Greenspan is certainly talking about it, that's for sure, just look at the Super Bowl last night, all the ads you love so much? Prime example of consumer confidence in the elections. If the consumers are confident that they will buy more stuff, they will make more ads, and all the President candidates will try harder to win. Do you know ANYTHING about politics? I hope not, cause we don't have time for that, THE ELECTION IS TOMORROW!

My advice is just suck a big dong and then just vote for Moorman, loser.

EB forever

Broken Links

Also, please bear with me while none of my links to other blogs work. I will probably never get them to work.

If you need to find the blogs that I was trying to link to, you can probably just google the name of them and then click on what comes up.

Guess What

I Just Woke Up!

My trip to Sundance Festival

On the plane on the way back from Sundance maybe a week ago, the one going from Houston to Newark, I was sitting next to a strange foriegn couple. I had somewhat high hopes for them for some reason, but for lunch we were served a pizza bagel, ranch dressing, soggy carrots and a kit kat bar.

At this point I was thinking that the couple was Polish, and they both ate the ranch dressing, which was a huge dissapointment.
That's America's great shame, ranch dressing is. I fell into a funk. But then the guy saved it by ordering two cans of Mott's tomato juice and drinking them in sucession before holding his wife's creepy hand for the rest of the flight (two or more hours!). "The Jane Austen Book Club" was the in flight movie fyi tmi google.

And oh boy, I got the feeling that they noticed me watching them and thought I was the strange one. The shoe's really on the other foot now, huh? Whatever, I'm a big shot who went to Sundance Film Festival and they're just a bunch of foriengers who maybe went to or through Houston (International?) Airport. I really should track them down and see if they want to share my Picassa photo album from the flight though. I at least owe them that much.

Cheerio Matiees, down let the beestards bf your a's 2 hard this time around,
EB