Turds in a blanket, I'm back!
Back to doing what I arguably do best, covering American Politics with the zest of a lemon and the zeal of lemon.
Now you would probably think that coming back to the rough and tumble game of political coverage, it would take me a while to get back into the swing of things (expecially after the deeply spiritual sabatical I just took to work on me, and to also work on some passion projects) and catch up with the rest of the 24/7 Mega News community.
But, this crafty old, weasely old news dawg already got his first big honkin' scoop.
OIL!
Black gold that is, and Hillary is covered in it. dripping wid it. Hillary Clinton is hiding so much in OIL revenues its enough to make somebody blue in the face. And thats not it in terms of huge revelations this week...
The House Transitional Committee voted to back down on foriegn transport in the wake of startleing revelations about the Yemeni Consolute in Beirut. A diplomatic war of aggression has broken out in the fabled city of the fertile crescent and many analysts are heading for both the proverbial and literal hills. The high water mark came just four minutes ago (at the time of publication) when the High Sheik Daskani of Beirut's fabled Eastern Corridor led a march to the steps of the Yemeni Consulate and led out a shout that could be heard all throughout Lebanon Plaza.
Now where do I come in to this heaving, heaping mess. Well not only am I internationally well connected enough to know that someone on the otherside of the world shouts just four minutes later, I am uniquely qualified to deduce the connection between Ms. Clinton and the rabble being roused half a world away in the fertile crescent.
You see, if you follow the trail of oil, quite literally, might i add, from Hillary's sludgy feet, they might just lead you where you are looking...FUUUUCK. fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuck FUUUUUUUUCK. I just can't do it. I thought I could do it but I can't...
To paraphrase NFL great Brett Farve who retired a couple weeks ago, I just get tired. Tired of having the weight of the world on my shoulders and tired of everybody watching my next move to see what I'm going to do. It's too bad because I've got too much talent and repoire and too much to say, and the American Community NEEDS to hear what I have to say, but I just can't do it. There'll be other Bloggers Political Extrodinaire, outstanding men of character who are willing to say what they mean and have the means and the resources to say it, but for now, I think I desperately need to go back on sabatical.
I may be back someday. Maybe when the world needs an incicive political blogger most desperately, or maybe not then. I'm not making any promises though. For now I just feel like I just need to be me for me, you know what I mean? Please keep me in your secular prayers, readers, and I'll think about you too.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Final book idea before my radical sabatical is over
The idea is,
Slacky Mad Libs
here's a sample one
Tom and Jerry
Tom and Jerry are two crazy animals hell bent _____________ (preposition) tearing apart their owner________(possesive punctuaion)s house in order to get on each other's nerves or eat each other or something. This ends up creating all sorts of cartoon-like chaos. There's also a ________ (noun).
In one particular episode of "_________ (name of one of the two leads in Tom and Jerry) and Jerry" engage in an around the world no-holds barred race to the finish in order to win an amount of money. In the end some of the characters learn a lesson and some of them learn the hardest lesson of all because they die in the race. That character, I believe, was the old grandma and her tabby cat___________(punctuation)
Believe it or not, Tom and Jerry is telecasted daily at a certain time on The Cartoon Network. Check your local publications for more information.
Slacky Mad Libs
here's a sample one
Tom and Jerry
Tom and Jerry are two crazy animals hell bent _____________ (preposition) tearing apart their owner________(possesive punctuaion)s house in order to get on each other's nerves or eat each other or something. This ends up creating all sorts of cartoon-like chaos. There's also a ________ (noun).
In one particular episode of "_________ (name of one of the two leads in Tom and Jerry) and Jerry" engage in an around the world no-holds barred race to the finish in order to win an amount of money. In the end some of the characters learn a lesson and some of them learn the hardest lesson of all because they die in the race. That character, I believe, was the old grandma and her tabby cat___________(punctuation)
Believe it or not, Tom and Jerry is telecasted daily at a certain time on The Cartoon Network. Check your local publications for more information.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A New Angle
o.k., it seems like nobody likes my revisit into fiction. i self published my first tome "Uninhabitable Bodies/Astrological Crimes" (which I so generously exerpted in yesterdays post) and opening day sales were modest at best. I recouped the publishing costs and made a couple of thousand dollars, but it ended up not even being worth my time, least of which to say my heart and soul which i poured into those sentences. so i decided to take things in a new direction. ever popular is self help spirituality genre of written work. here's an exerpt from the book I wrote this morning, which is being edited by Harry Mantoz and will be published by Scholastic in mid March.
5 Things I Want My Five Year Old Son to Ask God Before I Die
1. If my Dad goes to hell, is it my fault for making him so angry?
2. How hot is hell? Alright sorry, this is a line of questioning and not exactly one question, but is hell hot? if not what's so bad about it? if so, then, again, how hot is it?
3. If I die and go to heaven will Mommy and Dad love each other again when I get there? If Dad dies and goes to heaven will there be lots of sex in heaven? or will it be like so great there that Dad wouldn't even want to have sex because Dad will just forget about it amidst all the other fun things that will be happening that Dad hasn't even thought of yet.
4. Is abortion legal?
5. Can you make a __________ so ___________ that even you can't _________ it?
5 Things I Want My Five Year Old Son to Ask God Before I Die
1. If my Dad goes to hell, is it my fault for making him so angry?
2. How hot is hell? Alright sorry, this is a line of questioning and not exactly one question, but is hell hot? if not what's so bad about it? if so, then, again, how hot is it?
3. If I die and go to heaven will Mommy and Dad love each other again when I get there? If Dad dies and goes to heaven will there be lots of sex in heaven? or will it be like so great there that Dad wouldn't even want to have sex because Dad will just forget about it amidst all the other fun things that will be happening that Dad hasn't even thought of yet.
4. Is abortion legal?
5. Can you make a __________ so ___________ that even you can't _________ it?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fiction
I, or rather my various handlers, thought it would be a good idea to take a little time off from the grueling pace of covering the national presidential election of 2008. Some suggestions were made about what to do in the meantime while on sabatical, and everybody thought it would be best for me to take some time to pursue my original passion, fiction writing.
Back in 1978, I was studying creative fiction at the Albert Moses College for Fictional Writings at The University of Idaho, Lava Hot Springs Campus and that is when I starting writing my fiction masterwork. I got a little distracted with all my successes in recent decades, but I was happy to be able to take the last couple weeks to thrust myself back into the mode of storytelling. Here goes...
Uninhabitable Bodies/Astrological Crimes
Chapter 1.
Introductions All Around
Bertard was an astronaut. He knew all about buttons and switches and toggles and life and physics! Above all physics! Which isn't to say that he wasn't fit, because he was also very fit because of a rigorous fitness program required of him by his workplace and to some degree because of personal discpline. Theb what in the world was he doing wandering around a grody part of a horrible citty muttering to himself about trying to stop time and the nature of getting old and pennies falling out of his head and how best to visualize the physical representation of self imposed limits on the mind. He was there for drugs of course. But not just any drugs, there was this special drug that not even NASA could trace, nobody could do it!
The catch was that the drug was pretty hard to find cause the penalties were pretty steep if you got caught selling it. "God fuck this suck dick nipple twist," Bertrand thought to himself out load. "Did I saw that out load?" he then asked out loud? He had and he was really starting confusing himself. He needed that drug previously mentioned, which was, incidentally called "Drug Number Infiniti" and he needed it bad. Also incidentally and strangely at the same time, there was no street slang name for "Drug Number Infiniti," everybody pretty much always called it by its full name whenever they talked about it, but people tried to not talk about it that often so they wouldn't get into trouble.
Bertard thought he had bought it off an abandoned loading dock in this neighborhood one time. He sat down on the dock and leaned against a box.
Next time...
1. You find out more about what happens.
2. A surpirse character is introduced.
3. A surprise plot twist is revealed.
4. Lengthy descriptions of buildings and landscapes previously mentioned.
Back in 1978, I was studying creative fiction at the Albert Moses College for Fictional Writings at The University of Idaho, Lava Hot Springs Campus and that is when I starting writing my fiction masterwork. I got a little distracted with all my successes in recent decades, but I was happy to be able to take the last couple weeks to thrust myself back into the mode of storytelling. Here goes...
Uninhabitable Bodies/Astrological Crimes
Chapter 1.
Introductions All Around
Bertard was an astronaut. He knew all about buttons and switches and toggles and life and physics! Above all physics! Which isn't to say that he wasn't fit, because he was also very fit because of a rigorous fitness program required of him by his workplace and to some degree because of personal discpline. Theb what in the world was he doing wandering around a grody part of a horrible citty muttering to himself about trying to stop time and the nature of getting old and pennies falling out of his head and how best to visualize the physical representation of self imposed limits on the mind. He was there for drugs of course. But not just any drugs, there was this special drug that not even NASA could trace, nobody could do it!
The catch was that the drug was pretty hard to find cause the penalties were pretty steep if you got caught selling it. "God fuck this suck dick nipple twist," Bertrand thought to himself out load. "Did I saw that out load?" he then asked out loud? He had and he was really starting confusing himself. He needed that drug previously mentioned, which was, incidentally called "Drug Number Infiniti" and he needed it bad. Also incidentally and strangely at the same time, there was no street slang name for "Drug Number Infiniti," everybody pretty much always called it by its full name whenever they talked about it, but people tried to not talk about it that often so they wouldn't get into trouble.
Bertard thought he had bought it off an abandoned loading dock in this neighborhood one time. He sat down on the dock and leaned against a box.
Next time...
1. You find out more about what happens.
2. A surpirse character is introduced.
3. A surprise plot twist is revealed.
4. Lengthy descriptions of buildings and landscapes previously mentioned.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Panic Attack
A couple of days ago i had a panic attack because I had laid out my socks and set the alarm but then i forgot what to do. I couldn't figure out what to do all the sudden and i got confused and angry and i put my socks back in the drawer and turned of the alarm and cried for three hours.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Wake up and smell the Sudan, America
Although there is obviously a lot of "important" political news to cover with many developments happening in elections and primaries this week, I'd like to take an opporunity to talk about something that's actually important and that's the Sudan.
You know that every time there's an election, its really just to distract the American public from the bad things happening throughout the world like the Sudan. For instance, you don't really hear anybody talking about the Sudan now that there's an election. Bill Clinton will play his saxaphone and John Edwards will walk around looking like a sexed out maniac, and everybody will forget all about the Global State of Absolute Chaos.
And you know that the pundits are happy for the break from real reportage and they can talk about all the fluffy stuff like who's got a cat and who's daughter is fat and the economy. I'll tell you right now though, that things are going really bad in one part of Africa I like to call the Sudan. They can't get any food and its very scary. Everybody has guns and there's always horrible music playing and people who are more handsome get special priviledges. Tall people are better at sports. And the economy has never been worse and do you know why? Because the rest of the world is too busy holding elections and reading about them in all the magazines. Magazines which could be better used by people in the Sudan or other bad parts of the world where they might have designs on learning how to read.
And I'll tell you this right now, if you want another World War II, just keep going the way things are going, because right now Africa is destabilized, and then maybe all of Africa will get pissed off that nobody is paying attention and they'll band together and all chip in to get a nuclear missile and they'll shoot it in every direction, and don't you think that that will get things heated up?
You Know It!
EB
You know that every time there's an election, its really just to distract the American public from the bad things happening throughout the world like the Sudan. For instance, you don't really hear anybody talking about the Sudan now that there's an election. Bill Clinton will play his saxaphone and John Edwards will walk around looking like a sexed out maniac, and everybody will forget all about the Global State of Absolute Chaos.
And you know that the pundits are happy for the break from real reportage and they can talk about all the fluffy stuff like who's got a cat and who's daughter is fat and the economy. I'll tell you right now though, that things are going really bad in one part of Africa I like to call the Sudan. They can't get any food and its very scary. Everybody has guns and there's always horrible music playing and people who are more handsome get special priviledges. Tall people are better at sports. And the economy has never been worse and do you know why? Because the rest of the world is too busy holding elections and reading about them in all the magazines. Magazines which could be better used by people in the Sudan or other bad parts of the world where they might have designs on learning how to read.
And I'll tell you this right now, if you want another World War II, just keep going the way things are going, because right now Africa is destabilized, and then maybe all of Africa will get pissed off that nobody is paying attention and they'll band together and all chip in to get a nuclear missile and they'll shoot it in every direction, and don't you think that that will get things heated up?
You Know It!
EB
Monday, February 11, 2008
Barack Obama Pistol Whipped me
How's it going everybody?
The other day I had the fine fortune of being offered an exclusive (interview) with Barack Obama. The interview turned contentious after a very pointed question I posed about Taxes, and although the transcript of the interview is now sealed as part of my lawsuit going forward against Mr. Obama, I might offer a glimse into the 911 SMS conversation I had with a 911 dispatcher.
February 08, 2008
07:04:38
xxx-315-0018
"Hiya"
February 08, 2008
07:07:19
911 dispatch
"whatup?"
February 08, 2008
07:08:32
xxx-315-0018
"Barack Obama pistol whipped me."
February 08, 2008
07:15:52
911 dispatch
"hows that?"
February 08, 2008
07:16:39
xxx-315-0018
"Have you heard of the democratic candidate for president, Barack Obama?"
February 08, 2008
07:25:22
911 dispatch
"sure"
February 08, 2008
07:27:15
xxx-315-0018
"He hit me right in the face with a gun"
February 08, 2008
07:32:19
911 dispatch
"ok"
February 08, 2008
07:34:44
xxx-315-0018
"Which seems like some sort of assault to me"
February 08, 2008
07:48:12
911 dispatch
"yeah"
February 08, 2008
07:49:31
xxx-315-0018
"at any rate, do you want to take a statement"
February 08, 2008
08:07:17
911 dispatch
"what? yeah text it here"
February 08, 2008
08:10:55
xxx-315-0018
"o.k. i was interviewing Barack Obama aboard Dem Force 1. then Bow Wow came aboard for a meet and greet cause he's endorsing Obama. hold on i'm getting a call"
February 08, 2008
08:14:19
911 dispatch
"whatever"
February 08, 2008
08:19:43
xxx-315-0018
"sorry, that was my fifee."
February 08, 2008
08:19:57
xxx-315-0018
"oops, i mean wife"
February 08, 2008
08:20:37
911 dispatch
"what did she want?"
February 08, 2008
08:22:25
xxx-315-0018
"at any rate, Bow Wow must have said something that reallly peeved off Obama nad he opened fire. meanwhile, Master P. cowered under a desk like a little bitch."
February 08, 2008
08:29:07
911 dispatch
"wow"
February 08, 2008
08:32:11
xxx-315-0018
"yeah. i was able to calm Barack Obama down by saying a few calming words and a glass of warm water, but not before he pistol whupped me really really hard."
February 08, 2008
08:55:38
911 dispatch
"well, it certainly sounds like some crimes were committed, for sure"
February 08, 2008
08:59:02
xxx-315-0018
"oh, also, I forgot, RIP Bow Wow. 1997-2008"
February 08, 2008
09:20:19
911 dispatch
"idk"
February 08, 2008
09:22:35
xxx-315-0018
"well now you dk"
February 08, 2008
09:25:14
911 dispatch
"does that mean that there isn't going to be a sequel to Fast and the Furious: Toykeo Drift?"
February 08, 2008
09:37:45
xxx-315-0018
"wow, I didn't know Bow Wow was in that?"
February 08, 2008
09:45:07
911 dispatch
"yep"
February 08, 2008
09:46:38
xxx-315-0018
"yeah there's going to be a sequel, but its going to star Aaron Carter. its going to be called Fast and the Furious: Omaha Carsand trucks"
February 08, 2008
09:48:20
911 dispatch
"that sounds kind of stupid, but i'll probably see it."
February 08, 2008
09:50:23
xxx-315-0018
"you know your going to see it"
February 08, 2008
10:45:48
911 dispatch
"o.k., so is that it?"
February 08, 2008
10:48:02
xxx-315-0018
"yeah i guess"
February 08, 2008
10:50:27
911 dispatch
"is there anything else i can help you with?"
February 08, 2008
10:55:44
xxx-315-0018
"no, just the thing i just told you about"
February 08, 2008
11:07:15
911 dispatch
"thankss for texging SMS 911, have a good day"
The other day I had the fine fortune of being offered an exclusive (interview) with Barack Obama. The interview turned contentious after a very pointed question I posed about Taxes, and although the transcript of the interview is now sealed as part of my lawsuit going forward against Mr. Obama, I might offer a glimse into the 911 SMS conversation I had with a 911 dispatcher.
February 08, 2008
07:04:38
xxx-315-0018
"Hiya"
February 08, 2008
07:07:19
911 dispatch
"whatup?"
February 08, 2008
07:08:32
xxx-315-0018
"Barack Obama pistol whipped me."
February 08, 2008
07:15:52
911 dispatch
"hows that?"
February 08, 2008
07:16:39
xxx-315-0018
"Have you heard of the democratic candidate for president, Barack Obama?"
February 08, 2008
07:25:22
911 dispatch
"sure"
February 08, 2008
07:27:15
xxx-315-0018
"He hit me right in the face with a gun"
February 08, 2008
07:32:19
911 dispatch
"ok"
February 08, 2008
07:34:44
xxx-315-0018
"Which seems like some sort of assault to me"
February 08, 2008
07:48:12
911 dispatch
"yeah"
February 08, 2008
07:49:31
xxx-315-0018
"at any rate, do you want to take a statement"
February 08, 2008
08:07:17
911 dispatch
"what? yeah text it here"
February 08, 2008
08:10:55
xxx-315-0018
"o.k. i was interviewing Barack Obama aboard Dem Force 1. then Bow Wow came aboard for a meet and greet cause he's endorsing Obama. hold on i'm getting a call"
February 08, 2008
08:14:19
911 dispatch
"whatever"
February 08, 2008
08:19:43
xxx-315-0018
"sorry, that was my fifee."
February 08, 2008
08:19:57
xxx-315-0018
"oops, i mean wife"
February 08, 2008
08:20:37
911 dispatch
"what did she want?"
February 08, 2008
08:22:25
xxx-315-0018
"at any rate, Bow Wow must have said something that reallly peeved off Obama nad he opened fire. meanwhile, Master P. cowered under a desk like a little bitch."
February 08, 2008
08:29:07
911 dispatch
"wow"
February 08, 2008
08:32:11
xxx-315-0018
"yeah. i was able to calm Barack Obama down by saying a few calming words and a glass of warm water, but not before he pistol whupped me really really hard."
February 08, 2008
08:55:38
911 dispatch
"well, it certainly sounds like some crimes were committed, for sure"
February 08, 2008
08:59:02
xxx-315-0018
"oh, also, I forgot, RIP Bow Wow. 1997-2008"
February 08, 2008
09:20:19
911 dispatch
"idk"
February 08, 2008
09:22:35
xxx-315-0018
"well now you dk"
February 08, 2008
09:25:14
911 dispatch
"does that mean that there isn't going to be a sequel to Fast and the Furious: Toykeo Drift?"
February 08, 2008
09:37:45
xxx-315-0018
"wow, I didn't know Bow Wow was in that?"
February 08, 2008
09:45:07
911 dispatch
"yep"
February 08, 2008
09:46:38
xxx-315-0018
"yeah there's going to be a sequel, but its going to star Aaron Carter. its going to be called Fast and the Furious: Omaha Carsand trucks"
February 08, 2008
09:48:20
911 dispatch
"that sounds kind of stupid, but i'll probably see it."
February 08, 2008
09:50:23
xxx-315-0018
"you know your going to see it"
February 08, 2008
10:45:48
911 dispatch
"o.k., so is that it?"
February 08, 2008
10:48:02
xxx-315-0018
"yeah i guess"
February 08, 2008
10:50:27
911 dispatch
"is there anything else i can help you with?"
February 08, 2008
10:55:44
xxx-315-0018
"no, just the thing i just told you about"
February 08, 2008
11:07:15
911 dispatch
"thankss for texging SMS 911, have a good day"
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